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When love becomes violent Interpersonal Relationship Series - Domestic Violence
In these days of high-stress living and diminishing family support, couples can become violent. It may not have happened to you, but probably has to a friend, relative or colleague.
Unlike other assaults, domestic violence rarely happens in isolation. It tends to re-occur and escalate. When it becomes chronic, the victim feels shame and helplessness, the batterer guilt and confusion, and children also suffer. Sometimes, it ends in fatality. Hong Kong records about one such killing every month. It is a serious and challenging matter.
Violence between couples appears in waves, often with sweet periods in between. They cherish these nice moments and think their love is rekindling, forgiving each other. But the violence returns. Everybody suffers again and the couple do not understand why their love hurts so much.
This violence is a repeating cycle of battering, forgiveness and honeymooning, which repeats because there is unrealistic hope - at least, the battered wishes the batterer to change. This relationship is so treasured, no one wants to spoil it. Everyone is eager to trivialise this violence to save the relationship. Parents, friends, even police tend to encourage them to forgive each other. This strong cultural expectation that the couple should not be bothered by the fight, makes them wrongly believe violence is not serious.
They apologise and make new promises, feeling their love grow again.
However, if they have not learnt from and made efforts to correct their mistakes, they are just waiting for the next violent episode to occur.
If this is happening to a couple you know, tell them it is wrong, damaging, and that they are caught in a vicious circle. They need to learn better ways of expressing their emotions and not resort to violence. They should know effective ways to protect themselves and vulnerable family members too. Do not normalise the violence or encourage divorce. Convincing them to seek marital counselling is probably the best thing you can do.
Crisis or questions? Please do not hesitate to call the Psychological Services Group on 2866-6206 (HK) or 2735-3739 (Kowloon and NT) for help.