In our daily counselling work, quite a number of cases are related to divorce, or have single parent backgrounds.

Despite diverse problems, the couple's common concern is, when a marital relationship is breaking up, that they and their family have to face enormous difficulties. It is usually a shocking experience for people to accept the reality of a broken relationship.

Some may have symptoms of denial: "I treated them so good, why did they leave me?"; or, "they may return to me, it's just a matter of time".

Some may lose their confidence in people as their ideal has been shattered. Their hearts may be filled with anger and hate.

Divorce is a difficult decision to make. You have to consider many issues including the pressure from friends and family, custody of children, financial burdens, as well as the relationship with your divorced spouse. These problems may be likened to a never-ending war. Additionally, many people may become exhausted by the stresses caused by divorce proceedings.

When facing a broken marriage, some may consider themselves the victim or loser and may be preoccupied with self-pity. On the contrary, some might try everything to prove they are tough and immune to harm. They turn down others' concern and help, and expect themselves to immediately take up the role of the spouse in the family. These two extreme attitudes are not helpful for handling difficult situations. Ruminating about the past and the bitter hardships after divorce will only weaken your self-confidence. Pushing yourself to recover without considering your capabilities only adds stress to your mind and body, which are already strained.

You actually have the choice to adopt a more positive attitude when facing the problem. Knowing how to access the resources available in your community and learning problem solving skills may facilitate your adjustment after divorce. Having a realistic expectation about oneself is also important. Everyone has ups and downs. One may not be able to solve all problems alone. To accept others' help and support does not mean you are a loser. Instead, you are facing the adversity with courage and an open mind. With the above attitudes and resilience, you can overcome the difficulties and adjust well in future.

Seek help from the Psychological Services Group. HK: 2866-6206 (new address: 5/F, 111 Leighton Road, Causeway Bay). Kowloon and the NT: 2735-3739 (22/F, Ocean Building, 80 Shanghai Street.)

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