We have encountered many couples complaining about their partners. Husbands say their wives are emotional, unpredictable and nagging, while wives say their husbands never listen or care for them. They do not understand each other, partly because they are not aware of some basic gender differences on values and ways of relating to others. Conflicts and misunderstandings easily arise if these fundamental differences are neglected.

Psychological research shows how boys and girls raised in a certain cultural or social environments have their respective communication styles affected. Men reflect a striving for social power, independence and autonomy, so they tend to be directive and task-focused when they talk, concentrating on information and fact. Women talk to make connections with others and reinforce intimacy. They are more skilled at expressing emotions non-verbally, and their talk is more towards the sharing of lives and showing support. Notwithstanding these, environment and other factors also play a part in one's communication style. In the Force, for instance, with its heavy emphasis on discipline and order, some colleagues tend to use directive language even when talking at home.

From these findings, husbands can now understand that wives talk to reinforce intimacy in the relationship. They tend to interpret your reluctance to talk as rejection of the intimacy, which brings feelings of hurt. They would be easily satisfied if you could spend some time listening to their sharing and requests.

Wives can now also understand that their husbands' dominance reflects their tendency to preserve their social status. They don't listen to you, not because they don't care for you, but it is simply a sign of maintaining their autonomy. So, nagging will not make them listen, only drive them further away. A better way is to correct your misinterpretations behind their silence and show them your respect by giving them some personal space, and then request to speak to them in a polite way.

Apart from gender uniqueness, there are also individual differences on personality and family background between people in a relationship. The only way to a fulfilling, intimate relationship is to respect and accept the mutual differences and learn to adjust one's own approach of communication in relation to your partner's.

Seek help from the PSG. HK: 2866-6206 (new address: 5/F, 111 Leighton Road, Causeway Bay.)

Kowloon and the New Territories: 2735-3739 (22/F, Ocean Building, 80 Shanghai Street, Kowloon).