"We have not beat her for a year, however, she is becoming more and more naughty. She does the opposite you ask, and acts against us. Now, she seems afraid of nothing. Only when I beat her again, she complies. She is really very obstinate"

This is the discourse of an Inspector mother, who tearfully approached the Police Clinical Psychologist recently. In her parents" eyes the 10-year-old is a boor. From her childhood to now, physical punishment was the only measure they adopted to teach her. They believed the Chinese saying that "a good son comes under a club". However, who would have thought her skin would simply toughen under the beatings? She has become even more uncontrollable with behavioural problems at home and at school. Her emotions fluctuate and she frequently loses her temper. Teachers dread her and classmates keep away. She talks acrimoniously but inside there's a lonely and wounded heart.

In another case, a senior officer, in front of his wife and 15-year-old daughter, recently presented us with this frightening discourse: "Our daughter says she needs freedom, I think because we do not provide adequate love and parenting. So, as long as we spend more time with her and guide her, basically, she does not need any friends. I have the responsibility to prevent her from getting wicked. She may dislike me now, but when she grows up she will realise I did it for her own benefit. You can see her elder sister has such bad temperament and disposition like her, and she has never committed any crime. It is all attributed to my parenting." His 17-year-old elder daughter moved out of home several months ago because she could no longer bear her father's verbal and physical punishment.

In family cases, we find that some officers bring order and discipline home. Some of them undergo different systematic reconnaissance and investigation of their partners, some of them conduct "military training" for their children, and require absolute compliance. They often disregard their developmental needs, aspirations and individual differences, often leading to incompatibility between parents and children. The parents feel worried, disappointed and angry. Children cannot sense their parents' love and concern and the long-term verbal and physical punishment results in emotional distress, physical and psychological suffering, and rebellious behaviour. These cases are seen repeatedly.

Psychological research shows there is a close relationship between a child's development and parenting methods. Some parents say "I cannot beat, cannot scold, so I must connive". Indeed, this is only because many have misconceptions towards parenting. Love and discipline are important elements in parent-child relationships and they should incorporate one another - it is inappropriate to lack either one. Next issue, we will introduce different models of parenting which we hope can help everyone to have a better understanding and further introspection on their parenting methods.

Seek help from the Psychological Services Group - Hong Kong Island and Marine: 2866-6206 (5/F, 111 Leighton Road, Causeway Bay); and, Kowloon and the New Territories: 2735-3739 (22/F, Ocean Building, 80 Shanghai Street, Kowloon).

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