Family life education series

A lecture on Family Life Education topic "How to raise a child to lead a happy and successful life" was held on August 4 at the Police Sports and Recreation Club with the Moral Education Concern Group. A summary of the address and issues raised are set out below by Professor Wong Chung Kwong, Chairman, Positive Living United Services.

Encouragement and love over punishment and fear

A common worry shared by most parents is that if they do not make their children fear them, they will lose control over them.

There are three basic categories of parents, reflecting three different patterns of parental authority.

Firstly, there are parents who lack authority. These parents either do not realise they need to exert age-appropriate authority over their children or they are simply not sufficiently concerned.

The second category are parents who are authoritarian. These parents believe they should openly, or even bluntly, control their children. They believe that "force" on the part of parents and "fear" on the part of children is inevitable or even essential.

The third category of parents are those who are authoritative. These parents are able to make proper demands on their children and they usually maintain affectionate relationships with their children.

A common concern shared by most authoritarian parents is that if they do not make their children fear them, they will lose control of them. They also believe that if they openly display too much affection their children are likely to become spoilt.

These are misconceptions. It really should work in this order: Firstly, parents openly display love and affection for their children while at the same time make age-appropriate demands on them. Secondly, children feel their parents' love and are prepared to reciprocate these emotions. They are ready to comply with their parents' demands. Thirdly, a good parent-child relationship is established.

What if children have misbehaved? What should parents do? Parents do not need to scold them severely or beat them. All they need to do is tell them: "Daddy/Mummy feels rather sad because of what you have done. Let's discuss this and see how we can help you improve on your mistake."

What if children make the same mistake a second, third or even more times. Parents should expect their children to make the same mistake many times! Children take almost 20 years to grow up and become competent, independent, mature adults.

Before they reach that stage, they are bound to make many mistakes, in fact, many similar mistakes numerous times. What parents should do is not become disheartened, demoralised or infuriated. They should be their children's "guardian angels" - protect them, help them, heal their wounds, encourage them to try again and rejoice in their successes. In fact, all successful parents have done just what I have described!

All we need to do is remember how babies learn to walk and run. They did not perfect this in one single attempt - they made many silly mistakes and fell down many times. We protected them, comforted them, encouraged them and blessed them. We did not punish them, threaten them or frighten them!

Authoritarian parents often appear to be successful when their children are still young. Young children usually yield to fear instilled by such parents. But deep in their hearts, they feel sad, misunderstood, oppressed and angry.

The compliance they show to their parents may be superficial and seem no different to that shown by happy children. There is one vital difference: happy children internalise their parents' behaviour repertoire, attitudes and values and adopt them as their own. Children of authoritarian parents often "rebel" against their parents and what they feel they have been forced to do once they reach adolescence.

Keep this in mind: the foundation of parental authority is neither punishment nor fear, rather it is encouragement and love.

A Grand Finale to the 2000-01 Moral Education Training Programme will be held at Hong Kong Coliseum on October 2.

Three short lectures (conducted in Cantonese) on similar topics will be delivered by three prominent speakers. Professor Wong will be one of them. Interested officers should contact Marine Regional Welfare Officer (2301-1675) on or before September 21 to arrange for free tickets. These will be issued on a first-come-first-served basis.

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