Family life education series
'Do You Love Me?'

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(This article is supplied by the Welfare Services Group)

In this issue, as the headline suggests, we will discuss the inner feelings between husband and wife and have invited Professor Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Positive Living United Services, to give his expert views on this topic. However, only salient points of Professor Wong's original article are published here because of limited space. The full text of Professor Wong's article and previous original articles of this Family life education series will soon be uploaded onto the Healthy Lifestyle web site on POINT.

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Without love there is no marriage. However, love alone does not necessarily make a marriage work. Paradoxically, love can be the greatest stumbling block to a marriage. Love is subjective. That we love our spouse does not guarantee that our spouse feels being loved.

The two guardian angels of a marriage are mutual respect and emotional sensitivity. There are four aspects of mutual respect: physical space, intention, emotion and memory.

Physical space includes things like the drawer, the pocket diary, the briefcase and the handbag. We must regard these things as the physical territorial extension of our spouse. They must not be intruded upon without permission. Otherwise it is tantamount to a violation of our spouse's physical space. It is bound to generate resentment.

Intention is our wish. Couples often quarrel not because of serious discrepancies between them but over trivial matters such as where to dine out or where to spend a holiday.

Emotion must also be respected. Misunderstanding and worse still, disregarding our spouse's feelings almost certainly lead to resentment. The logic of emotion may not always be correct. However, it is so important that we listen to understand and empathise. Empathetic listening is in fact one of the most crucial keys to a successful marriage.

Memory is also highly personal. Digging out painful memories at the wrong moment such as in a quarrel will certainly hurt marital relationship.

When we feel respected, we will open up. We will welcome and enjoy the sharing of our space with other people, and that will make a marriage work.

Emotional sensitivity is emotional awareness and the ability to empathise. Emotionally sensitive people are able to put themselves into their spouse's position and ask questions such as 'How would I feel if I were him/her?' and 'What does he/she really needs?' instead of 'What do I want to do?' Emotionally sensitive people also readily appreciate what their spouse do for them and are able to express their love effectively.

'Do you love me?' is an important question for one to ask his/her spouse. The best answers to this question are two questions that we should ask ourselves: 'Do I respect him/her?' and 'Do I exercise good emotional sensitivity in my relationship with him/her?'