Family Life Education Series
Self-value impact on offspring

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We tend to act on our values. We also serve as a strong role model for our children.

In this article, Positive Living United Service Chairman, Professor Wong Chung-kwong, explains how our values affect child-rearing.

Self-value seems to be an abstract psychological concept and hence appears to be of little practical importance. But nothing could be further from the truth! Self-value is, in fact, our 'guardian angel'. Self-value sets the threshold for our behaviour. People with good self-value are unlikely to cheat or commit crime because such acts go against their self-value. People with good self-value are, in general, easy to get along with because they are confident, not over-sensitive and hence do not take offence easily. People with good self-value are more likely to aspire to and pursue respectable goals. In brief, people with good self-value are trustworthy, friendly, respectable and easy to get along with.

Parents influence their children not so much by their words as by their examples and behaviour. Parents with good self-value are confident and respectable before their children. Their children readily look up to them and model after them.

Parents with low self-value sooner or later will lose the respect of their children. As a result they lose their influence over them. If in addition to low self-value they are also rude, unkind, untrustworthy or have other even more obvious problems such as those related to crime, gambling or heavy drinking, their children may feel ashamed of them. Parent-child relationships will be affected. This is so, despite the fact that such parents may genuinely be very loving towards their children.

Being respectable parents is an everlasting blessing to children. Long after parents are gone, and even when children themselves have become old, respectable parents continue to live in the hearts of their children. Let's take two opposite extreme cases as examples.

Soldiers who gave their lives for their countries are remembered with pride by their children. Common thoughts among such children include: "My father was a brave and honourable man. He fought bravely and gave his life. I feel so proud of him. I miss him but I know he is with me still. I must match up to him."

In contrast, in my clinical practice, I have on many occasions come across the extreme opposite, children whose parents have committed suicide. These children may already be parents themselves. In shame and agony and usually in tears, as if the tragedy had just occurred the day before, they said, "I can never forget how he left me. I feel so ashamed and angry when I think of him. The memory of him still haunts me everyday!" Quite a few have added, "I will never forgive him!"

We, parents must remember, before our children, there is no level ground. Our children either look up to us, or look down on us! Undoubtedly, we would like them to look up to us. The key is simple, in addition to loving them, we must be respectable, and self-respect comes from a good self-value.

Any comments should please be referred to your respective Regional Police Welfare Officers. Confidentiality will be strictly observed. Contacts are: HKI: 2804-1570; MAR: 2301-1670; KE: 2304-1400; KW: 2150-7988; NTN: 2673-5983, and NTS: 2418-0050