Family Life Education Series
How parental behaviour affects children

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Most, if not all, parents will have to admit that they have sometimes behaved in ways that they would not wish their children to emulate and that they have sometimes asked their children to behave in ways they would not follow. They are simply being very 'human'- knowing what is right does not guarantee that they will do the right thing.

Behaviour is usually the most observable part of any individual and hence it is often the most influential. Motivation and emotion may have to be inferred but behaviour can be seen and heard. Parents' behaviour affects children through the mechanisms of modelling and shaping. Modelling is the imitation of another person's behaviour and way of life. Shaping is the gradual moulding of a person's behaviour. Both mechanisms as a rule occur together. Children imitate their parents and gradually become just like their parents.

Parents may like to examine their behaviour in the following main related areas: self-management and daily routine; interpersonal relationships; and work.

Self-management and daily routine refer to our everyday habits in managing our own life such as diet, sleep, hobbies and leisure activities (such as sports, reading, etc.), time and financial management. I have on numerous occasions heard parents complain that their children waste too much time on TV or computer games. Quite often these parents have the same problems. Children who lack sports or indulge in junk food quite often have parents who do the same. Parents who are good at time management and self-discipline, on the contrary, often bring up children with the same virtues.

Successful interpersonal relationships depend on qualities such as integrity, emotional sensitivity and ability to communicate effectively. These qualities are best learned by modelling and shaping. In fact, the same is true with the training of psychiatrists, a daily task that I have been engaged in for more than 20 years. There is no better way to train a trainee psychiatrist than to show him, by actual example, just how to conduct an interview and how to do psychotherapy. Parents who respect others and are able to build trusting relationships with others, bring up children with the same qualities.

Some may think attitude to work does not fall within our topic, because work is related to the workplace, whereas parenting is related to the home. However, parents do tend, perhaps unwittingly, to bring their work home! I do not only mean actual work that they bring home to do. I mean their attitudes to work such as their commitment, their coping and their joy or otherwise in their work.

As behaviour is the most obvious and observable aspect of our existence, parents naturally are very concerned about their children's behaviour. So it is absolutely essential that they ensure their own behaviour is an irreproachable role model.