Family Life Education Series
A Happy Marriage - Reality Versus Fantasy

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This article will concentrate on exploring the essence of a happy marriage in order to make fantasy into a reality. Dr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman, Board of Advisers Whole Person Development Institute, continues discussion on the subject.

In 2001, there were 32,825 registered marriages and 13,425 divorces. Happy marriage seems to be becoming increasingly fewer. Among all the important choices in life, marriage is usually the most spectacular in that the formal start of a marriage - the wedding - is showered with blessing and happiness.

In a very unromantic way, the most important factor of a successful marriage is two "independent" persons choosing to become "inter-dependent". By "independent" I mean two mature adults each capable of surviving on his or her own self. Why then should they get married? The reason is because they choose to become inter-dependent. Readers may feel puzzled - if a person is independent (and mature), why should he or she choose to enter into an inter-dependent relationship with another person? The answer is very simple - people have emotional needs. It is very much like physical needs; starvation will sooner or later kill, and even the strongest persons are not exempted. The most independent person still has emotional needs: the need to love and to be loved; the need to share; and the need to be understood and supported.

For two people to stay happily married is not a matter of luck but rather the results of conscious and concerted efforts. I would suggest the following main strategies based on the psychology model of ICAN that I developed several years ago. To make marriage work, we need "do" the right thing, but also "see", "feel" and "value" in the right way. These four functions interact continuously to form each individual's unique "personality functioning".

Followings are the main strategies:

Value

- We must have high self-esteem (that is "intrinsic value"). People with low self-esteem tend to be over-sensitive and they often over-react to their spouse's words and attitude.

- We must respect our spouse. A common problem among couples is that they tend to take each other for granted.

- We must hold on to high moral value (that is "life value"). In this increasingly permissive age, it is easy to let go of moral standard.

Value, i.e. "intrinsic value" and "life value" combined, forms the anchor of our being. Once value is shaken, everything else is also shaken. Happy marriage is rooted on solid value.

Emotion

- Good emotional sensitivity: Love is not enough! Love is always subjective. The fact that we love our spouse does not mean he or she must feel the same. Good emotional sensitivity ensures that we do not misunderstand our spouse and that we do not easily hurt his or her feelings.

- The ability to empathise: This is one step further to emotional sensitivity. Empathy means we are able to understand and feel like our spouse. The ability to empathise makes our spouse feel he or she is understood, accepted, respected and supported.

- The ability to express and manage negative emotions properly: A common reason for unhappy marriage is that our spouse has become our "emotional punch bag". Irrespective of whether the negative emotions are related to the family or not, it is important to express and manage them properly so that they will not erode marital relationship.

- The ability to express love and affection properly: It is important to love one's spouse and it is equally important to express love effectively and clearly.

Perception

- To be able to see things clearly, accurately and positively: A common symptom of a failing marriage is that a person's "perception" of his or her spouse has become muddled, inaccurate and negative. For example, a simple careless mistake is seen to be "intentional", "hopeless" or even "unforgivable".

- To be able to see oneself and one's spouse clearly: For example, an introverted person may be attracted to an extroverted person, a typical case of complementary psychodynamic. After getting married, the introverted person may feel increasingly annoyed by the extroverted spouse's habits of "talkativeness" and socialising with friends.

Behaviour

- Communication skills are crucial to a successful marriage.

- Cherishing common interests and hobbies.

- Organising daily routine that ensures a good balance between the need to be together and the need to have quiet time to one's own.

Successful marriage is not about finding the perfect match, but rather being a mature, responsible and emotionally available person. Happy marriage is not just a wish or dream but an achievable goal for those who are ready to make the efforts.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group