Family Life Education Series
Family Harmony:
Resolving Conflicts, Creating Family Harmony

0 Photo

To nurture a harmonious family is not an easy task. There are bound to be numerous conflicts and rows among family members in our daily life. A correct approach to resolve these conflicts helps cultivate a harmonious family. The following is what Dr Cheung Siu-kau, Principal Lecturer, Division of Social Studies, City University of Hong Kong, advised us during his talk on this subject at a Family Life Education Day Camp jointly organised last year by HKI Region and HQ&HKI Regional Welfare Office.

"My children are very rebellious; when I say 'yes', they would say 'no'. I frequently have rows with my wife. No matter it is about money or relating to in-laws, we hold different opinions." Such incidents are not uncommon in families. Family members, because of their individual needs and opinions, may run into conflicts if the differences are not handled properly. Actually, can family conflicts be avoided? Is harmonious family life a myth or reality?

Each person is an individual being. Even among family members, everyone would have one's opinion and incidents of conflicts are inevitable. Scholars of family studies have pointed out that conflicts can have positive functions. Through expression of hidden feelings and dissatisfaction, family members can understand one another better and make adjustment accordingly. However, if not handled well, conflicts may escalate and bring hardship and affliction to the family.

It is useful to bear in mind three major principles when handling conflicts. First, good communication is important. When there is a conflict, avoid saying sarcastic words such as "you know all" or "you are always right and all others are always wrong", or threaten with words such as "How dare you don't believe that I'll fix you!" These would only hurt the other parties without any constructive solutions. In addition, expressions such as "you wouldn't understand even if I told you" or "I won't bother to tell you" would only create barriers to communication and breed misunderstanding.

The second point to note is attitude. If we hold the attitude that "I'm right; you're wrong" or "I scorn to reason with you," it will be difficult to reach consensus and resolve the conflict. We as parents should in particular be wary of this, because in parents' minds, children are naive and expected to comply with our commands. Some self-willed children may find this annoying and rebel against the parents.

The third point to note is management of emotions. It is natural that people may become irritated during conflicts, but if our anger is not well managed, we may say some words or do something that we will feel remorseful later. More seriously, if we resort to violence, the consequence will be disastrous.

We should learn how to communicate with others, adopt a respectful attitude, and contain our emotions in order to resolve family conflicts. These are also the ingredients of a harmonious family life.

What are effective communication skills then? Simply speaking, these include listening skill and expression skill. For example, if our children indulge themselves in the Internet, we must tell them what we are worried about, e.g. "I'm worried that you may not be able to complete your homework well" rather than complain that "You spend your time only on the Internet and neglect your studies". If the children try to explain their views, we should listen patiently rather than say "you always have your own views." With proper listening and expression skills, it is more likely that family members can reach consensus and attain "win-win" solutions.

Respecting others means allowing others to have their own choices and avoiding imposing our views on them. Even a small child has his or her own preferences. Parents should reason with them and give them choices. For example, if a child yells and wants to dine in a specific fast food restaurant, we should not refuse him or her right away without giving any reasons. Rather, we should explain why we do not opt for that restaurant, and offer three choices for the child to choose one. In so doing, the child would feel respected because he or she has the right to make a choice.

As to emotional management, we mean we should not succumb to emotion but must stay calm. When we are aware that we are about to lose control, we should take a deep breath and count "10, 9, 8, ... 2, 1" silently in order to regain our control. If necessary, it may be good to leave the scene for a while, drink some cool water and resume talk later. This would help us avoid speaking inappropriate words or even hurt others inadvertently.

Conflict resolution is something that we have to learn in order to do it properly. Let's join hands and learn how to create a harmonious family life in which everyone thrives and enjoys.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Service Group