Family Life Education Series
Family Harmony-
Enhancing self-esteem of children

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As you may recall, our last two articles were about conflict resolution for achieving harmony in families. Different perspectives from various angles and important characters in families have been explored. The most influential duet in each family is the married couple. It appears that the quality of their relationship forms a foundation for other relationships and tends to have tremendous influence on their children. In the daily news of family members hurting each with various means, we can't stop wondering what is going on with families nowadays? Can people get along in families? Where and when do we start? According to Dr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Whole Person Development Institute, parent/child relationship should develop at a young age, and through the development of the child's self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the foundation of people. It is a reflection of one's evaluation of one's worth. Good self-esteem means "I accept myself for who I am, not what I am." People with such attitude accept their "total being". They appreciate their strengths and are ready to face and improve on their weaknesses. People with low self-esteem means "I do not like myself", and that is usually because they feel they have not done good enough. They also find it difficult to face themselves, particularly their shortcomings.

People with good self-esteem are confident, optimistic and energetic. They stand tall and are resilient. Enhancing the self-esteem of children is an important pillar of successful parenthood.

There are three important strategies of self-esteem enhancement.

First strategy: Accept your children unconditionally

This is probably the most important, the most easy and yet the most difficulty parental attitude. I have asked this question many times in seminars and workshops for parents: "Do you accept your children?" Almost all parents will raise their hands. The matter, in fact, is not that simple. When children behave well and act according to the wish of parents, parents certainly will accept them. If children misbehave, act against the wish of their parents or do not do well academically, will parents still accept them unconditionally?

Conditional acceptance means parents accept their children because they satisfy certain implicit or explicit conditions. This usually means children have to perform in certain way so as to satisfy their parents. The way children experience their parents' acceptance forms the basis of how they accept themselves. Parents' conditional acceptance leads to children's conditional acceptance of themselves.

Unconditional parental acceptance means "I accept you for who you are, not what you are". These children will grow up to accept themselves unconditionally. They have good self-esteem.

Second strategy: Proper parental appreciation

Children see themselves according to how their parents see them. Children who are often appreciated by their parents also appreciate themselves. Children often criticised by their parents adopt a critical attitude against themselves. Nowadays very few parents disagree with what I have just said. However, many parents appreciate their children in the wrong ways. They say: "Well done, you make Daddy and Mummy happy!" That in itself is not wrong. However, if that is the only thing they say then it is only "half-correct". The proper way to appreciate children is to do it in such a way that children can appreciate themselves. A magical word for parents to say to their children is "Congratulation!" When we congratulate children for what they have achieved we are not only guiding them to feel good about themselves but also, more importantly, make them feel they are responsible for their own life. It is as if parents are spectators and our children are athletes. We applaud them for running well, but not because they run for us.

Third strategy: Let them have successful experiences

We build up self-esteem through observing that we are capable. Such feelings do not come by through empty words but through actually doing things. This is why parents should encourage children not only to do their best in school but also to take an active part in extra-curricular activities and voluntary work.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Service Group