Family Life Education Series
A happy life - Single but not lonely

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This article is a continuation of the last one, "We need to connect". As we are living in a modern world, we are not living in a cocoon. Having looked after our physiological needs, we proceed to nourish our soul. We have to seek help from our families or professionals such as Force Welfare Officer or Police Clinical Psychologist when we face any problem or emotional disorder.

In any society, there are some people living alone. Yet we emphasise "single but not lonely". Those people should connect themselves with their relatives or friends in a meaningful way in order to lead a happy life.

Let's see how Mr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Board of Advisers, Whole Person Development Institute, share with us his views on this topic.

In discussing marriage in the last issue, I shared with readers the concept of "psychological needs" for maintaining our health and wellness. A fundamental and very important psychological need is "to be connected". People who are "disconnected" feel empty and lonely. Prolonged "disconnectedness" would erode our health and wellness. This would happen to the average adult. Marriage is the "normal" mode of existence because marriage satisfies the basic need of being connected whereas being single appears to be an "unusual" if not "abnormal" way of life.

What we need to appreciate is that being "single" is a status (and that status indeed carries socio-economical, legal and other important implications). To some it is a voluntary choice; but to many others it is the result of missed opportunities, hindsight or misfortune. Whatever the reason, being single must not be viewed as a negative way of life. Being single should not mean "being alone" and certainly should not mean "being lonely".

Being single can be happy and fulfilling provided we are aware of our psychological need of being connected and know how to satisfy the need. Friendship and family relationship (i.e. with one's family of origin and with relatives) can satisfy such need. Not having the "burden" of looking after one's children and not having the routine of returning to a family at night gives people a great deal of flexibility and freedom to use their leisure time. I do not only mean social freedom. I also mean commitment to one's goals in career and life, interests and hobbies.

Being single can be painful and may be even destructive if people are not aware of their need of being connected and if they do not know how to satisfy the need properly. Like all other negative emotions, "loneliness" is painful. It can lead to unhealthy and even harmful behaviours such as alcoholism, gambling, drug abuse and inappropriate sex. Being lonely can also be an important aetiological factor for many psychiatric disorders, particularly depression.

Life is full of paradoxes. Many married people live a lonely and "disconnected" life whereas many single persons live a connected, happy and fulfilled life. There is one other important fact of life. For the great majority of married people, they will sooner or later become "single" when their spouses pass away before them. It is crucial for us to master two very simple principles of a successful and happy life, i.e. being able to be connected, and being able to survive and enjoy being alone.

PS&SR Branch Welfare Services Group