Family Life Education Series
Resolving Conflicts, Creating Family Harmony

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At the family Life Education Day Camp organised by the Welfare Services Group, Personnel Services and Staff Relations Branch, Dr Cheung Siu-kau, Principal Lecturer, Division of Social Studies, City University of Hong Kong, gave a talk to police parents on how to resolve conflicts amongst family members and create harmony in a family.

"My children are very rebellious; when I say 'yes', they would say 'no'," "I frequently have rows with my wife. No matter it is about money or in-laws, we have different opinions." Such scenarios are not uncommon in families. Family members, because of their individual needs and opinions, may run into conflicts if their differences are not handled properly. Actually, can family conflicts be avoided? Is a harmonious family life a myth or a reality?

Each person is an individual. Even among family members, everyone would have his opinion and conflicts are inevitable. However, scholars in family studies have pointed out that conflicts can have positive functions. Through expression of hidden feelings and dissatisfaction, family members can understand one another better and make adjustment accordingly. However, if not handled well, conflicts may escalate and bring hardship and affliction to the family.

It is useful to bear in mind three major principles for handling conflicts. First, good communication is important. When there is a conflict, avoid being sarcastic such as "You know all" or "You are always right and all others are always wrong", or uttering threatening words such as "How dare you don't believe I'll fix you!" These would only hurt the other parties' feelings. In addition, expressions such as "You wouldn't understand even if I have told you" or "I wouldn't bother about telling you" would only create barriers to communication and breed misunderstanding.

The second point to note is attitude. If we hold the attitude that "I'm right; you're wrong" or "I scorn at reasoning with you", it will be difficult to reach consensus and resolve conflicts. We as parents should in particular be wary of this, because in parents' minds, children are naive and expected to comply with their commands. Some self-willed children may find this annoying and rebel against their parents.

The third point is management of emotions. It is natural that people may become irritated during conflicts; but if our anger is not well managed, we may say or do something that we will regret later. More seriously, if we resort to violence, the consequences will be disastrous.

We should learn how to communicate with others, adopt a respectful attitude, and control our emotions in order to resolve family conflicts. These are also the ingredients of a harmonious family.

What are effective communication skills then? Simply speaking, they include skills in listening and expression. For example, if our children indulge on the Internet, we must tell them what we are worried about. For example, we should say: "I'm worried you may not be able to get your homework done" rather than complaining: "You spend your time only on the Internet and forget your studies". If the children try to explain their views, we should listen patiently rather than saying: "You always have your own views." With proper listening and expression skills, it is more likely that family members can reach consensus and attain a "win-win" solution.

Respecting others means allowing them to make their choices and avoiding imposing our views on them. Even a small child has his or her own preferences. Parents should reason with them and give them choices. For example, if a child wants to dine in a specific restaurant, we should not refuse him or her right away without giving any reason. Rather, we should explain why we do not opt for that restaurant, and offer three choices for the child. In so doing, the child would feel being respected because he or she has the right to make a choice.

As to emotional management, we mean we should not succumb to emotion but must stay calm. When we are about to lose control, we should take a deep breath and count "10, 9, 8, ...2, 1" silently in order to regain our control. If necessary, it may be good to leave the scene for a while, drink some cool water and resume conversation later. This would help us avoid uttering inappropriate words or even hurt others' feelings inadvertently.

Conflict resolution is something we have to learn in order to do it properly. Let's join hands and learn how to create a harmonious family in which everyone thrives and enjoys.

(PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group)