At a Family Life Education Day Camp organised by the Welfare Services Group, Ms Lee Shuk-fai of the Hong Kong Children and Youth Services spoke of the reasons for children's behaviour and emotion as well as the ways to handle this matter. Following is a summary of her presentation on this topic:

Sometimes even parents have no idea of the problems of their children's emotional behaviour during the different stages of their growth. In big cities, parents are struggling each and every day with these situations: being too busy, forgetful, tired out both physically and mentally resulting in a lack of concentration and tolerance, easily getting irritated over trivialities, so on and so forth. How can they spare more energy and patience to understand the reasons for children's problems?

To "solve" these problems as quickly as possible, parents unintentionally adopt a "suppressive method", resulting in the problems remaining unsolved and parent-child relationship being strained.

Children are too young to say what is troubling them. Subjected to pressure or poor communication at home, even older children may choose to keep their troubles to themselves. However, their emotional behaviours are steeped in worries or problems pent up inside. To understand their problems better, we can't tell what has gone wrong by just taking what they say literally and how they behave. Their implied meanings are in fact what they mean to say. In particular, as Chinese people tend to be implicit and reserved, words' inmost or alternative meanings have to be discerned carefully.

To get to the root of a problem, parents really need to fumble what lies behind the problems of their children's emotional behaviour. Let's try to understand children's problems from the following perspectives.

Target

Do your children target particularly at someone? For example, when a child only retorts his mother but never anyone else, then this may imply that a grudge is embedded within their relationship. In this respect, what we need to do is not merely to solve the problem of retorting, but try to patch up parent-child relationship.

Timing

When does the problem of your child begin? For example, if your son has been demanding more of your attention since his younger sister was born, then "the birth of your daughter" may be a turning point for your son's problem: his sister posing a threat to his superior status in family.

Continuity

How long does your child's problem last? For example, your child flies into a temper easily on even the slightest setback in life since childhood. This means that perhaps no one has ever really taught him to handle setbacks, or he is so spoiled that he fails to take any setback at all, or perhaps he is too hot-tempered and impatient to face a situation that falls short of his expectations.

Extent

What impact has the problem of your child brought or how serious is it? For example, if your sons fight against each other every other day to the extent of being admitted to hospital, then you must face up to this problem. However, if the two naughty boys just argue once in a while, pushing and shoving at most, then parents need not be too sensitive.

Children's emotional behaviour is also a hint of their actual needs, desires and difficulties, all outlined below.

1) Silence or Outcry: When children are hurt with their feelings, they would behave in two extremes, either keeping it to themselves or giving vent to their feelings as a way to release and denounce.

2) Drawing Attention: Children are not afraid of being beaten and scolded, but fear being neglected. When being ignored, they would have a strong desire for attention, and may even express such expectation through emotional behaviour.

3) Shirking Responsibility: Children are always reluctant to bear consequences. Once they succeed in shirking their responsibility by behaving badly and people around would let them go, then even you might do the same.

4) Inter-personal Problem: When your children's relationship with someone else turns sour, they would often deliberately provoke the other party.

5) Lack of Problem Solving Ability: Parents are more mature than children. In the face of problems, we are capable of resorting to more sophisticated solutions so as to lessen the impact on others. But children are more primitive and would either hide away or become impulsive in handling their problems.

6) Challenging Others: Children always challenge the tolerance and authority of people around them with speech and act so as to test the latter's bottom lines.

7) Characteristics of Children's Growth: Children's different stages of growth are marked by various characteristics and needs. Parents have to understand and accept this phenomenon, and, more importantly, adjust to accommodate their changes.

8) Personality: With different personalities, children would certainly respond in different ways. It is natural that more stubborn and impulsive children would cause more problems of emotional behaviour than those who are more carefree and prudent.

Parents have to remain calm in handling their children's problems. Only by doing so can they see the whole picture clearly. Parents should avoid jumping to a conclusion too fast. When their children are agitated, allow them to give vent to their feelings without "hurting himself or anyone else". You can also ask them what have happened to them. Before handing out punishment, convince them that you're only expecting them to correct their mistakes. In fact, children's emotional behaviour is encrypted with different messages. If parents are patient enough to decode them, then it will be easier to prescribe the right remedy and their efforts would not be in vain.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group