It seems so natural and unquestionable for adults to step forward from courtship to marriage. But is love really blind? Behind the deep and sweet love of a couple are differences in their personalities. During courtship, we have to learn mutual understanding and accommodation as well as to explain the true meaning of love. Mr Jay Tse of the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council has been invited by the Welfare Services Group of PS&SR Branch to speak on the importance for a courting couple to accommodate each other.

Love is born out of mutual attraction and feelings towards each other. Many courting couples would readily show how deep and sweet their love is. They constantly care about each other, and sweet talks and sweetness of love fill up their lives.

A couple has different upbringing , personalities, beliefs, and habits, etc. leading to different perceptions, pursuits and choices. Hence, conflict is inevitable. If divergence and dispute occur again and again, lovers may wonder whether they could accommodate each other and whether their love could last forever.

In fact, there are few couples with completely identical personalities. A couple often finds each other attractive because of their uniqueness. For example, one party leads an orderly life, prefers planning ahead and has a clear objective for everything, matching the other party's qualities of being creative, flexible and laid-back.

However, if each party puts emphasis on its own needs and perspectives, and does not see eye to eye with the other party, they will find their communication incompatible.

When one party feels, or both parties feel likewise, that the other just does not care to listen and does not understand, personal expectations and needs would not be satisfied instantly, and feelings of setback and anger would fuel negative feelings and escalate conflicts. Failure to respect each other's divergence, forcing the other party to change, or belittling the other's self-esteem and humiliating the other party, would hurt feelings and undermine emotional connection. If a conflict lasts for a long time without being properly handled and when grievances grow, emotional communication and development of intimacy would be hampered.

A scholar specialising in studies on marriage, Mr John Gottman, has pointed out that a couple that argued all the time had their own dreams. If a couple could recognise and respect each other's dream, then they have found a good recipe for their problems, even if their conflict has not been completely settled. He also emphasised that fostering mutual understanding, building up mutual connection, deepening love and friendship, supporting each other in realising personal aspirations, as well as accomplishing common dreams are the keys to bringing about a successful and happy relationship.

Love between a couple can hardly rely solely on romantic feelings, but properly handling the differences in personalities and learning to handle conflicts in relationship, can enhance mutual understanding and lay a good foundation for living together.

A couple should learn to accept that they could hold different views. Whenever there is a divergence of opinion, there is no harm in trying to understand each other's needs, and in finding out the common areas of concern. They can frankly share each other's expectations, needs, values, beliefs and feelings, etc, and then take the other's views into consideration. Whenever necessary, they can find room to adjust their own emotions so that they can pacify the emotion of the other party better and be more considerate to the other's needs.

For an intimate relationship to develop and mature, a couple often needs to show selfless love and mutual respect, and be loyal to the pledges they have made. Through learning mutual appreciation and acceptance, embracing and forgiving as well as mutual support, a couple can create a happy, intimate relationship.

(PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group)