With the vivid examples given by Ms Fok Yuk-lin, an experienced social worker from the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council, we have a glimpse of the art of bringing love to one's married life. The art of love can only materialise if couples are willing to commit themselves to creatively building upon their love lives and taking part in it hand-in-hand. Let's learn how to rekindle love and make marriage joyful.

Taste of marriage

If you were asked to pick a beverage to describe your married life, would you say it tastes like a thick wine? Harshly bitter like those of coffee or rather plain and tasteless as water? Would it be like the pearl-barley water that works best for whetting the appetite? Or perhaps it's as good as Chrysanthemum tea for slaking a thirst?

We can hardly avoid the hustle and bustle of the modern life. It's these pressures that have driven a couple to seek marriage counselling. The husband works night shift whereas the wife, day shift. The couple only sees each other for 10 minutes in the morning before heading for their own business. Such a work schedule has put a tremendous strain on the couple. Can they still keep their heads cool enough to avoid a confrontation? How can a couple possibly enjoy an aromatic cup of coffee blended with sugar and milk to spice up their marriage?

Symbols of love

Some people mistakenly believe that the act of love ought to be spontaneous and natural. Lots of wives believe that their husbands must know how to please them. Against this expectation, unfortunately the reality is that we are very much subject to our upbringing and that the symbols of love for each individual differ, based on different family backgrounds. In my case, preparing a lavish dish of cooked eel and sauteed crab with ginger and scallion for my husband will please him far better than buying an expensive necktie for him.

There is a husband who often likes giving his wife beautiful cards and nicely packed gifts on festive occasions. But for his wife, this gesture of love is in conflict with their tight family budget. Pathetically speaking, the husband has never received even a nice little note, in return, from his wife. He's upset and frustrated. Love is expressed through the symbols that we are using. Very often, we love our spouses in the way we want to be loved instead of the way she or he wants to be loved. That is why figuring out how to love someone is a high level art.

Measure "temperature" of family

Parents are often very worried when their babies have a high fever. But we lose sight of the fact that it is equally vital for our family to keep an optimal "temperature". A prolonged period of "heat" or "chill" can wreak havoc on the family, finally leading to separation. Try to take the "temperature" for the family, and see if it feels like "a stove of hot oil reaching the point of explosion". After taking the "temperature" for the family, one should at once make an adjustment.

Life in Hong Kong is full of tension, so we may add some creativeness to our lives. A colleague of mine once bought his wife a ring in order to give her a surprise. On the night before his wife's birthday, he slipped the ring onto her finger when she was sound asleep. On ordinary occasions, we may try something else like leaving a small note with these words: "Sweetie, I'm leaving for work now. You look so pure and cute when asleep. Please don't overwork yourself. See you tonight!" Or we may secretly leave a sweet message on the toilet paper towel for our sweetheart. All these will cheer up our sweetheart with surprises and bring funs and sparks to our relationship. Don't ever allow our married life to become dull and force upon ourselves a lonesome feeling, despite having a partner.

Affection grows with time

The love that we experience in our lives is at times strong and at other times less intense. Our life span and fortune will keep changing. No matter how busy we are, we have to spend more time with our partner. Back in the early years when my husband and I studied theology together, our favourite pastime was spending a short while together talking and strolling on the grass every night after dinner.

If a couple enjoys watching sunset or sunrise, they must make an effort to do so if time permits. Other wonderful and soul awakening moments are taking a stroll along the beach to enjoy the sun's afterglow together. If there is no room for such serenity due to a busy work schedule, a couple must at least keep their significant half always in mind.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group