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Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood
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In his book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen R. Covey proposed the fifth habit of building a fulfilling life, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood", an important principle in empathic communication. In our daily communications, we often "prescribe" before making a proper "diagnosis". It can be dangerous and cause a lot of misunderstanding. We should first take the time to understand the problems presented to us before giving any comment or advice.
Empathic Listening
When a person is speaking, we usually "listen" at one of four levels: ignoring, pretending, selective listening, or attentive listening. It would be best if we can use the fifth, highest form of listening: empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening with intent to understand the other person's frame of reference and feelings.
Just like we need air to survive, we need "psychological air" to feel we are being understood, respected and validated. You will never be able to truly "step" inside another person and see the world as he sees it until you develop the empathic listening skills to do so. As you appreciate people more, they will appreciate you more. Unless people trust you and believe you understand them, they will be too angry, defensive, guilty or afraid to be influenced.
To respond empathically, you have to understand what the other is communicating, and rephrase the content and reflect the feeling with an attempt to give psychological air. For example, when your colleague says, "most of my squadmates got promoted already, and I'm still a PC." An empathic responding can be: "you feel frustrated when you see your squadmates are more successful in their career."
Then Seek to be
Understood
Knowing how to be understood is as important as seeking to understand in communication. When you can present your own ideas in the context of a deep understanding, you significantly increase the creditability of your ideas.