PsyNet
Effective Ways to Enhance Happiness (7):
Learning to forgive
Prof Sonja Lyubomirsky, the expert in positive psychology, continued to share with us in her book, "The How of Happiness", the seventh effective exercise to enhance happiness - learning to forgive.
Benefits of
Forgiveness
Prof Lyubomirsky stressed that feeling angry after being hurt is part of human nature. To forgive does not mean to acknowledge or tolerate the act of the perpetrator, or to forget the incident. We forgive for our own well-being so that we would not be tortured by hatred or fall into the vicious cycle of self-isolation to avoid further harm. Therefore, forgiveness seems to be the best strategy to alleviate pain and to motivate one to move forward. There is empirical evidence showing simple forgiveness exercises benefit mental health.
Forgiveness
Exercises
1. Recalling an experience of being forgiven: try to recall an experience of being forgiven by others. Recall details of the situation and describe how you felt. Why did he or she forgive you? What was the feeling of being forgiven? What did you learn from this experience?
2. Practising Empathy: in your daily life, try to understand others' emotions, thinking and motives, especially when you are encountering behaviour difficult to tolerate. Practising empathy can help one understand the reasons behind the behaviour, and at the same time enhance one's ability to forgive.
3. Letter/Image of Forgiveness: pick a person you want to forgive in this exercise. First, write how you were hurt as well as your feelings. At the end of the letter, write a statement of understanding and forgiveness. For example, "I now realise that you did not deliberately try to hurt me. I forgive you." You can also use your imagination: what will you say to the one you want to forgive? What will you notice about the changes in your emotions before and after you forgive?
4. Referring to others' stories of forgiveness: Nobel Peace Prize winner, President Nelson Mandela, in responding to those who imprisoned him, said: "When I walked out of the prison gate, I knew I was still in prison if I continued to hate these people." The great leader Mahatma Gandhi also had a famous saying: "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind".
Learning to forgive seems to be the best option to free ourselves from negative emotions so that we can move on to enjoy a happy life. Psychological Services Group has invited Director of Operations Hung Hak-wai to share his experience in this regard with readers.
D OPS' "Art of
Forgiveness"
For Hung Hak-wai, forgiving is a
learning process. Whenever he feels offended, his usual response is an
objective appraisal of the whole incident, from which he often
discovers that forgiveness may not be necessary. Instead, such approach
turns out to be an excellent opportunity for personal growth.Mr Hung believes there is a reason for anything that happens. That's why when he felt offended or provoked, and when his colleagues or he himself were accused of wrongdoings, he studied the underlying causes from different perspectives in order to obtain a full picture of what had happened. Instead of focusing on others' misdeeds, he puts the focus on himself.
"First ask myself whether I have any responsibility for this matter. For example, are my instructions clear enough? If it is a misunderstanding in communication, address the root cause of the problem directly." Sometimes Mr Hung realised that his own inadequacy had contributed to part of the problem and that he had to forgive himself. He accepts that he is not perfect. With the attitude of "the more you see, the wiser you would become", one would learn a lesson from these unpleasant situations and enrich one's life experience.
Another perspective taken by Mr Hung is putting himself in others' situations to experience their thoughts and feelings. Conflicts between two persons usually stem from their differences in values, roles, opinions or preferences. These differences give rise to a biased thought of "I'm right and you're wrong", particularly in a rank-conscious culture. Aware of this egoistic thinking, Mr Hung often reminds himself not to insist that other people should listen to him. What is needed in this type of situation is not forgiveness, but tolerance of differences.
Of course, it is normal to feel unhappy when hurt. "However, we can be master of our own emotions. Blaming others is never the best option." In Mr Hung's experience, negative emotion would slowly dissipate when he gets a bigger picture of the whole incident, and forgiveness then follows naturally.
Nevertheless, Mr Hung emphasises that we should not force ourselves to forget the harm done to us just for the sake of forgiveness. If we suppress our emotions and neglect the root cause of a problem, our anger would breed and similar problems would return sooner or later. Only when we face the issue and learn from the harm that history would not repeat. "To the same person and given the same environment, we only need to forgive once; and if it is properly handled the first time, there should be no need for the second time," said Mr Hung.
Mr Hung's art of forgiveness is a weave of keen awareness and impartial appraisal, which frees him from the control of unpleasant emotions and boost his capability of acceptance. Free from harmful experience, his wisdom of life accumulating, leading to a happy and fulfilling life.
