Last issue, some of our clinical cases were used as examples to reflect how officers sometimes bring order and discipline home. This often results in verbal and physical punishment and over-restraint towards their children, leading to an uncomposed family with angry and heart-broken parents, and children suffering physically and psychologically. We are not encouraging parents to spoil their children or to tolerate their mistakes. In fact, love and discipline are compatible and parenting can be a joy when these two components blend well.

Let's look at four different styles of parenting and teaching, each comprising different levels of concern/love and restraint/discipline (see graphic).

Authoritarian Parenting - The parents in the case examples used this style of parenting. They only used power and put absolute principle on their children, emphasising compliance, tradition and order. Psychological research shows these children, although quite capable and responsible, are more isolated, dependent, aggressive, less motivated, and have lower self-esteem.

Authoritative Parenting - These parents require that a child's behaviour matches their age and development, yet simultaneously, they give them adequate attention and warmth. They emphasise communication and respect the child's feelings and opinions. Children with this type of parents are usually more independent, confident, kind-hearted and co-operative. They also have better psychological and intellectual development, enjoy life and have high motivation.

Due to limited space, we will not go into details of the other two styles. To sum up, with 'indulgent' and 'indifferent'-styled parents, their child's various aspects of adaptation (e.g. self-control, emotional control) are poorer than children of parents with authoritative styles.

There are many parenting books on the market that readers can refer to. We hope this column can help bring some inspiration to those caught between the ambivalence of love and control, and to those struggling with parenthood. Virtually all parents love their children. However, some misunderstand, thinking love should be concealed in the heart, and that discipline and order be emphasised. As a result, they will find their children will gradually become more and more distant from them, making parenting more difficult. The rule of thumb is: As long as we have clear and well-communicated principles, the more love the better.

Pay more attention to your children's merits, respect their individuality and character. You will soon find that they are well worthy of your admiration. We hope all of you can learn progressively to become gracious and authoritative parents.

Seek help from the Psychological Services Group: Hong Kong Island and Marine: 2866-6206 (5/F, 111 Leighton Road, Causeway Bay); Kowloon and the New Territories: 2735-3739 (22/F, Ocean Building, 80 Shanghai Street, Kowloon).

<< Back to Index >>