* Get everyone in your family to write down a list of priorities. Compare your lists.

* Insist that your mate deals with you and does not use the job as an excuse.

* Approach differences by fighting both for yourself and your relationship. Be a tough bargainer. Relationships do not profit in the long run when one partner is either consistently self-sacrificing or self-interested. If you fail to ensure that your own needs are met, you will have nothing to give anyone else.

* Accept that you each may have different needs for alone time. This may be hard to accept when you have so little time together. Every couple needs to balance their needs for closeness and autonomy.

* Remember that children need quality and quantity time with a parent. It is hard to have quality time with children you see infrequently because they need time to warm up to you. Avoid disappointing your children or promising what can't be delivered.

* Take vacations with and without your kids. Try to get away for several long weekends as well as a longer trip or time away. Take one "secret vacation" with your spouse and don't tell anyone where you're going.

* Set up a regularly scheduled couple hour in which you each talk about important issues in your life, but neither of you talk work.

* Do whatever you can to create more time for each other.

* Manage your finances wisely. Sometimes officers work a lot of overtime or take a second job because they and their families have material needs beyond their means. Cops frequently own expensive toys - four-wheel-drive vehicles, speedboats, motorcycles, dirt bikes, big houses in the suburbs, and more. Young officers especially, may be overwhelmed by the amount of money they are earning and go on a spending spree, creating instant bills with their instant wealth.

* If you blame the job for your unhappiness, you may put your mate on the defensive instead of recruiting him or her as a problem-solving ally. He or she may already be using work as a way to avoid dealing with friction that exists between you.

* Communicate with your mate. If you find yourself telling your friends and relatives about a problem you are having with your mate before you tell your mate, you're probably not communicating well. It's comforting and enlightening to talk with friends and family, but it won't solve the problem you're having at home.

Reference

"I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know" by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D.

(C) Copyright

Seek advice and help from the Psychological Services Group: PHQ, Hong Kong Island and Marine: 2866-6206 (5/F, 111 Leighton Road, Causeway Bay); Kowloon and the New Territories: 2735-3739 (22/F, Ocean Building, 80 Shanghai Street, Kowloon). PEN: psg@police.gov.hk